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Urban Tarzan, Reality TV: Decline of Humanity

May 10, 2013 by admin

A Column

By Joe Malanaphy

      I've really been trying to turn over a new leaf lately. I've been trying to look at things with the glass half full, as they say. Well, I accidentially stumbled upon a gem of a turd titled "Urban Tarzan" one evening recently while flipping through the channels, and I can say with confidence that my optimism ends now; We are f@#$ed. There is no hope for this world. Right now, somewhere in the future, the old man version of myself self (very optimistically speaking,) is sitting on a diving board staring into the water like Cameron in “Ferris Bueller's Day Off”, still thinking about that dreadful night when I witnessed “Urban Tarzan” for the first and last time, I’m only seconds from tipping myself into the deep end head-first.

     In my life I have seen some horrible things come and go in pop-culture. I grew up with four sisters and had to endure the mental anguish that went along with hearing the New Kids on the Block playing from all directions of the household. I was also a child in the 80's and was  was forced to listen to awful department store music on a daily basis as my mom dragged me around all day long while spending money on very unnecessary items. Nothing like going to sleep as a young man with the sound of Richard Marx's "Hold on to the Nights" or Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta my Dreams and Into My Car” resonating through your brain on loop after a marathon shopping session at Caldor’s or Bradlee’s.

     It's no wonder that as a young boy, I found solace sneaking out of my bedroom after everyone was asleep to watch movies like "Night of the Living Dead" on ABC's Midnight Matinee. 'Even as a child, there was nothing George Romero could throw at me that could possibly be more horrific than long days with my mother that involved sh**^y department store music, car rides home engulfed in second-hand smoke with the windows rolled up, only to be capped off by newest episode of General Hospital. Oh no! Who faked their own death today? Ugh...Oops, I'm rambling. Where was I? Oh yea, sh@*ty fake reality television!

     “Urban Tarzan,” a pile of crap masquerading as a "reality" show on Spike TV, stars two morons: The token fat bald guy with the goatee and the "I don't take crap from anyone, because I stand here with my arms folded" attitude, and what appears to be a new breed of fake reality douche-the “Urban Tarzan.” Tarzan, the star of this abomination, uses an over-the-top, stereotypical Italian guy accent, but dons a mane similar to that of Fabio, except crappier. He claims to be an expert on all types of wildlife, but in REALITY is a blithering idiot.

     Now, the fact that this show is horrendous drivel is not the point here. We've seen that on TV for years. I also cannot fault Spike TV for airing such a blatantly fake "reality" show because they are a network looking to make money. They have also done their homework and have come to the conclusion that You the viewer are an idiot and would believe anything they put on TV to be legit. Apparently they are also correct, because Urban Tarzan, like every other "reality" show out there (i.e. Operation Repo, Bait Car, Pawn Stars, and everything MTV puts out there, along with a slew of others) is completely scripted and fake. However, week after week, viewers tune in, hanging on the edge of their seat while putting off that evening exercise, or dare I say reading a book, to watch these shows and meet up on the social networks to say things like "Omg, I can't believe what happened tonight on (insert crappy show here.)"

        The major issue that I have with these “reality” shows is the sincere fanbase that actually believe this s#*t is real. I mean, these people vote! I’m certainly no genius, but the future of the world is in the hands of people who believe everything they see on TV. These same people who would trust the legitimacy of “Urban Tarzan” also have the power to elect the men/women who run this country. Is that at all unsettling? 

     These same people are responsible for carrying the torch that our ancestors have passed along to us with confidence that we would carry the human race forward and into another galaxy one day...sadly it's never going to happen. We are too concerned with looking down at our phones, when we should be looking up at the stars. We are far too amused and excited for this distorted, watered down fake reality entertainment, while the concept of imagination and originality die a little more each day. We rely too much on being provided with entertainment, when the greatest source of enterntainment lies within your imagination. There is nothing that can't be imagined. If you can think it, it exists, even if only in your brain, so why be constantly bogged down with repetitive crap that is only being shoved down your throat so you'll go out and buy the products that are being pushed every three minutes during commercial breaks? 

     Go take a walk in the woods and just look around and listen every now and then. Go lay down in the grass and stare at the stars and imagine the depth of outer-space. Go out and run or ride a bike so hard your legs go numb and you feel like you are flying. Do something. Create something. Think.

     In closing, I leave you with a sample thread of comments that preceded and followed this week's episode of Urban Tarzan on Sleep tight folks, this is your fellow man in his/her finest hour:


(Bad grammar and punctuation unedited for realism. Last names have been removed so we don’t get sued.)


Dakota - (via FB)- Urban Tarzan is my new favorite show!


Zac - (via FB)- Did this wolf really just eat these people's little dog on Urban Tarzan? This show is outrageous lmao


Samantha- (via FB)- I love Urban Tarzan how do I get a job like that   (Editor's note: You're aleady qualified Samantha. Keep up the good work!)


Keli Mcglofy-(via FB)- Urban Tarzan is sooo addicting. Not good during finals week.


GetBaked-(via FB)- Urban Tarzan teaches me new things all the time.


ChE3SE- (via FB)- this show called urban Tarzan they get wild animals outta people's houses.


Db_ballinout (via FB)- Yoooo I'm up watching this show called Urban Tarzan this s#*t is crazy bruh gotta catch a full bred wolf


Colleene- (via FB) -watching American Hoggers then Urban Tarzan at 11! 


Haley - (via FB)-Urban Tarzan tonight!! I think it'll be a good one lol..the man has to be saved from his abusive kangaroo :( poor man


Frank - (via FB)- Hey Facebook friends any of you guys watch Urban Tarzan on spike on Tuesday nights at 10:30? It's an awesome and hilarious show this guys for real and if you are all for rescuing animals you should watch this show. He saves exotic animals from abuse. He's on Facebook and you can talk to the guy he's cool. Check it out guys. Love ya all have a great day.


Not Joe Malanaphy -( via an Underground Bunker)- IT'S FAKE YOU DUMMIES!!! 

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