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Have Fun, But Be Smart On Spring Break

March 14, 2013 by admin

A Column

By Joe Malanaphy

   In no way do I endorse the destruction of your liver or your health and safety by way of alcohol consumption. This is a cautionary piece that may or may not serve you.
   Warmer weather is finally on the horizon; days are getting longer, and that celebratory spirit is in the air, or in the bottle. The upcoming week layed before us begins with St. Patrick’s Day followed by Spring Break, which can mean only one thing; a drunken sh*@show of debauchery.
   Late nights filled with less than honorable activities, followed by mornings (or afternoons) spent reflecting or trying to assemble the timeline of regrettable choices you made the night prior may be ahead.
   Times like these may lead you into some adventurous and peculiar territory, but keep in mind that you are human. Also keep in mind that just about everything you do these days is documented, and usually by caring friends who feel it only right to share these moments with the entire world via the social networks.
   For instance, I'm sure your grandmother's bosom will swell with pride upon seeing that picture of you t*@-bagging your buddy because he passed out first. I'm also certain that those nudes you took and sent to your ex boyfriend/girlfriend, and ultimately ended up on You Got Posted will make a great conversation piece at the next family gathering.
   Finally, a few other pointers to remember: First and foremost, stay out of the f*@#ing car if you've been hitting the sauce. Just because you don't have the ability to hang late at a party and pass out like a champ in someone's bushes or on their kitchen table, doesn't mean I deserve to die because I wanted some theater box candy from Walgreens at 2 a.m. and you wanted to go home and sleep in your own bed. Call a cab, bring along a sober friend, I don't give a s&*t, just don't drive drunk.
   Also, wild animals in the house are never a good idea. If you ever get the inclination while drinking Sam Adams Seasonal beers to carry a live deer into your dwelling in the wee hours of the night and hide it, I can honestly say that this is not a rational idea. Even if the voices in your head say "Hey, that poor deer looks cold and could use a blanket," I can assure you that they are equipped by nature to handle all types of climates, and this can only lead to damaged walls and smelly carpets.
   I guess what I'm trying to say, is that if you're going to endulge over Spring Break, just keep a few things in mind:
 
*You aren't invincible and everyone's liver has its breaking point.
 
*Driving while is a horrifically bad and selfish idea.
 
*You can't fly. I don't care how doable that jump from your balcony to the pool looks, it will only lead to broken tailbones, even a broken neck.
 
*Going swimming unattended in the ocean at 3 a.m. while hammered is a recipe for disaster and more broken bones, or even drowning. The ocean doesn't play around, and provoking it or tempting fate is never a wise move.
   If you're away on vacation and getting loose, stay with your friends and don't wander, especially if you're a female.
   Ok, well those are some tips to remember whether you are on Spring Break, pulling a long shift on St. Paddy's day, or just getting sideways in general. 
   If you don't drink, that's even better and both your body and mind will thank you for it, but let's be honest here, many adults both young and old do partake in some drunken activities every now and again, so why not just address it rather than pretend that it doesn't happen? 
   Have fun, Via con dios, and see you on the other side.
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