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Drivers' Bad Habits Taking Toll On Editor's Patience

January 3, 2013 by admin

A Column

By Joe Malanaphy

     Driving around lately I can't help but realize that either I am extremely impatient (very possible) or a huge majority of drivers on the road should have their licenses revoked, followed by a good swift kick to the teeth.
     For starters: Traffic lights are not just pretty hanging decorations placed at intersections to add character, and the colorful lights inside of them serve a purpose believe it or not.
      This is mainly directed at nobody other than the dunderhead who sits in the front of the line (especially during the holidays) and takes his or her sweet a$$ time stepping on the gas when that little green arrow pops up.
     It's like "Oh lad-tee-freakin-da, I'm first, so I'm just gonna take a nice deep breath, turn up the morning-zoo or NickelBack song on the radio, scratch my a$$ a little and gently give the gas pedal (the one on the right) a little tap-tap-taperoo while the 30 cars behind me have to now sit through 12 more light changes because the next guy who is first will do the same damn thing.
     If you are one of the above mentioned, my advice to you is to hold your breath until something really neat happens, like you stop breathing.
     The next order of business is jamming on the brakes while an officer has someone pulled over on the opposite side of the highway. Why??!!!! Are we so scared of the law that all rational thoughts and reason go out the window the moment we see flashing lights?
     Are we so trained with fear like good little boys and girls that we fall to our knees in the presence of authority?
     Now, aside from those wacky, logical questions I just posed, let’s talk reality here. You're driving along at 65 in a 55 and just up the road you see a police officer has pulled someone over on the opposite side of the highway.
     I say opposite because I realize that slowing down when passing directly alongside an officer is not only right, but safe and appropriate.
       I'm talking about the OTHER side of the road, and maybe through a median.
     Okay, granted you may be breaking the law by going a few miles over the speed limit, but just for the sake of argument, how likely is it that the nice lawman standing outside his vehicle three football fields away is going to drop what he’s doing and jump back in his car so that he can drive five miles up the road and take a u-turn just to run you down to write a ticket that you’ll probably beat in court after pleading guilty in plea deal?
     It’s not gonna happen, so relax. Stop jamming the brakes and interrupting my happy thoughts, enjoy the fact that you might get to work or school a few minutes earlier and that it was somebody else getting a ticket instead of you.
     The only way that situation is different is if you are doing a buck-twenty while hanging your junk out the window with a bunch of naked hookers onboard while screaming “Come get me copper!!”
     My last and final complaint is blinkers: Yes, those little things that let other drivers know where you are going.
     Now, I know hitting that little lever is really exhausting, especially when your hands are already full with coffee, your cellphone, or maybe the occasional ciggy, but please understand that there is nothing more irriating than some jack@$$ cruising along at 50 and then abrubtly locking up the brakes.
     Okay, I lied there is something more irritating, and that would be the “I’m pretty sure my turn is on this road, but I’m just gonna turn my blinker on now and leave it on for three miles on while I pump my brakes every five seconds” guy.
     Here’s some advice: If you’re not sure where you are going, PULL OVER and get the f*** out of my way because I have important things to tend to like getting home and catching Sunday’s episode of “The Walking Dead” OnDemand, or going for a nice healthy run that is only to be diminished shortly after by eating a bunch of White Castle’s as I sit filled with indigestion, shame and onion breath.

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